COLUMN
On The Fly
Sincerely, A Terrified Driver
I am begrudgingly in love with California. There are many reasons to love living in California as a transplant if you can ignore the terrifyingly patriotic culture of native Californians. No one loves California more than Californians who believe the state should secede from the Union. If you can move past patriotism, you can enjoy everything this majestic land boasts. The terrain is diverse and breathtaking—it surpasses even whimsical imaginations. If you can sidestep how annoyingly self-righteous Californians are, you might enjoy the variety of foods and produce—my diet and palette have improved since moving here. Unless you’re comparing California’s produce with Mexico or any other North American country, its local farm grown produce is the crème de la crème of these United States.
However, since moving to Northern California, I have developed the kind of road rage that makes driving a frightful ordeal. It’s the sort of fright that makes any kind of sound, especially music in the vehicle, threatening. This isn’t your generic white (black) knuckling; it’s two Masters degree level terror. During the excruciating 75 minute drive to and from Sacramento, I exhaustively oscillate between terror and defensive driving. By the end of the agonizing journey, muscles I didn’t know existed ache and a skin peeling ritual sounds delightful!
Here are a few driving related offenses I would like to bring to the attention of Gavin Newsom for immediate review:
The Left Lane
Who else was raised at a time when it was universally understood that the left lane was strictly for passing and fighting for your life? If you saw me wandering into my farthest left lane, know that I’d slept well, eaten breakfast, and have no debt. What I am trying to say is that I bring my best effort to the prestigious and delicate undertaking of operating a motor vehicle. On my long drives to Sacramento, I begin bracing myself for what I will encounter as I try to merge (more on that later) from the roundabout that leads to the highway ramp to Interstate 80 west. The speed limit is 65mph. It is a two-lane freeway, so getting to the left lane should be a cakewalk, except there’s a burgundy PT Cruiser in the left lane in cruise control at 57 mph.
If you didn’t know: the left lane is for passing because you exit and join the highway from the right. It is dangerous to pass on the right. It is unpredictable, creates blind spots, and causes congestion. Did you know that the left lane isn’t your god given right?
Merging/Yielding
According to me, merging on the highway is the number 7 leading cause of death in the USA. Before I merge, I run through the list of everyone I love because it is possible I may not make it home alive. I recently almost got into an accident while merging. You’re supposed to match the speed of the highway as you merge; avoid stopping and check for blind spots on your left. The driver on the highway has the right-of-way, but they’re also supposed to allow you to enter since YOU CANNOT STOP. Motorists already on the highway can also merge into their left lane to give you space to join. In my case, the car on my left wouldn’t slow down, speed up, or move to the left for me to join, and they almost rear-ended me. Sometimes the problem is that the left lane is congested with PT Cruisers driving under the speed limit, but most of the time, the person driving is choosing this very crucial moment to assert dominance. In a just society, both deserve severe punishment.
High Beams
It seems that we have collectively reached catastrophic conclusions about what is reasonable luminance for headlights. On top of that, most people might have serious vision impediments (HEY GANG!) since they require high beams on a four-lane freeway. My senses are overloaded and crashing by the time I make it back home from Sacramento. Most times, I sit in silence to recover from the assault, swearing that I will never drive to Sacramento until I have to. I have started a form of offensive driving for drivers inappropriately utilizing their high beams by turning mine on when they pass. Seventy-five percent of the time, they respond by switching theirs off. I regularly pass others who don’t have their high beams on, but instead drive cars with disorientingly bright low beams or forget their high beams are on or don’t even have a concept of high or low beams. Tesla drivers rarely know their high beams are on or purposefully leave them on. Drivers of vehicles that look like hostile SUV replicas of the car from back to the future, possess the low beams from hell. I will see you in court.
Traveling
In the summer of 2009, I was 16 and sitting in the passenger seat when my step dad got an astounding $450 ticket for travelling across a four-lane freeway. It was a silent drive back home. I have not traveled lanes since then. I am completely horrified when someone does it and almost causes an accident. You’re supposed to start by signaling to the cars on your left or right for at least 300 yards before crossing over. Now, repeat the rest like a mantra because I will not repeat myself: You must increase your speed, spend a little time in the new lane, and reassess traffic before joining a new lane.
Other Grievances
Self-righteousness has caused calamity on California roadways and more. Californians have sanctimoniously confused trivial driving etiquette with state driving laws. I have to drive by multiple intersections on my short commute on weekdays; some drivers have stop signs before joining oncoming traffic, or there might be turning lanes breaking up ongoing traffic. My least favorite are the turning lanes that lead into places like grocery store parking lots, where the state paints “KEEP CLEAR” on the road to prevent traffic from blocking off the entrance. There are at least two drivers per day who abruptly stop in the middle of the road to allow other drivers at the stop sign (out of the parking lot) to merge, even when the stoplight is green. I am happy to stop to allow merging drivers in front of me IF the stoplight is red. To make matters worse, motorists
at the stop sign will stare you down if you refuse to stop. I have considered attaching a poster to the back of my car or a marquee display to inform people of the differences between driving etiquette and state law, but I am worried that a disgruntled driver might retaliate by rear-ending me. I would be prosecuted for presenting new (existing) ideas. My final words for motorists who think they can freelance as traffic officers are: fill out a job application.
I aced the written portion of my driver’s license test because I once excelled at cramming. I failed my driving test twice before passing with flying colors on my third try. Because of failure, I remember driving rules that most people have forgotten or never learned to begin with. I read every page of that driving book. Like I said, I was fantastic at cramming.
But that isn’t why you should hear me out. Hear me out because I have never met a curb I didn’t love driving or bumping my tire on. If my tire rims could talk, their experiences of me would affect your opinion of me. I can indeed parallel park in my sleep, but I also have poor depth perception, so I worry all the time that I am driving out of my lane. This disgruntled essay isn’t from the desk of someone who thinks they drive well. Instead, I am asserting that as an average driver, I find it alarming that most people rank from bad to abysmal on the driving scale. We should ALL be alarmed.
I propose a mandatory written and driving test every seven years for every driver since we have to renew our driver’s licenses regularly. You cannot operate a motor vehicle if you do not know basic driving rules that keep everyone alive. Driving is very serious business. We must treat it as such. I do not wish to hear arguments for why my proposal is problematic. I am at capacity for receiving feedback.
I thought about including a list of things I love about driving but I am currently full of hate.
Questionnaire
Assuming we are all on the same page about driving while intoxicated, may I test the rest of your driving knowledge? Answer this anonymous questionnaire without looking the answers up, PLEASE! (For US drivers).